December 24, 2024
Although I created this site a few weeks or months ago, today is the first day that I really want to try to edit it to fit the vision that I have. Of course, it won't be perfect, and I'm only a novice coder who took two courses in university that utilized basic python.
Today is Christmas eve. Our governor gave state employees today off as a surprise Christmas gift. It'll be my first Christmas alone. I enjoy seeing my mother and sister in our hometown, and now my sister's new family, but the price of plane tickets is not going to be in my budget for a long time. I do enjoy being by myself, but I know that the people around me all have Christmas plans with their families and that's the aspect that makes it feel more lonely to me. Am I jealous? I don't think so. I think it's more that I feel I have no option to see friends even if I reached out.
Packing my apartment has been stressful. My car got totaled by someone who hit it in the parking lot and my insurance is thinking about calling it a total loss. I don't have the money to buy another used car - the cheapest ones people list online are at least $5000, and are probably worth less than half that price given repair costs. I stuck with my current car and replaced the transmission because it's been good to me, and I hear the model is a very long lasting one. I'm thinking that my insurance will give me the market price for the car, which is probably only like a thousand bucks, and I'll use that to help repair it along with my own funds. I'll take out another loan and hope that I can pay it quick. If the extra price out of pocket isn't much more than $1000 however, I may be able to borrow that from my family.
If I believed in God I would say that he's testing me this Christmas. But because I don't, I believe that the world is full of struggling people who have to depend on their friends and families to live. That's community healing. What do we do when we don't have that? Many of us, especially in the queer community, are broke and alone. I'm fortunate. But my family is across the country, and they're also in poverty. My financial life would have been easier if I stayed in my hometown, but I wouldn't have survived. Some poor farmer would have found my bloody mangled body on the railroad tracks, or bloated in the river. Those people make my heart feel cold and alone. They never liked me. And I couldn't be who I am.
January 5, 2025
I became very sick on New Year's Eve and have been absolutely miserable. Yesterday and today I was able to get out of bed and enjoy some time sitting upright downstairs. I started some artwork yesterday, however I'm not confident in it yet so I think I'll need to spend more time getting the linework right before I commit to coloring. I wish I had more inspiration that matched my skillset so that I could make that final piece to open my Redbubble. Today I was able to pay some of my bills, though I need to contact my new property managers to pay this month's rent since their sign-in page still won't let me in.
I'm devistated because my car cannot be repaired by the autoshop, since they have a policy of not repairing total loss vehicles. All the money I put into it is gone, but the most devistating part is that I'm going to miss her very much. I've gotten attached to my car and how she helped me so much during my move across the country, and the rest of this transitional period in my life. She's helped me become so independent, and I honestly miss her dearly even now, almost a month after I let her go to the shop. I feel bad that I couldn't say goodbye then, because I didn't know she'd be gone forever. Fortunately one of my best friends offered to take me to the shop this Friday if things go well with his schedule, so that I can pick up the rest of my personal belongings and say goodbye one last time.
I've met a lot of new people on Discord recently, in a community server for a game I've begun playing. I enjoy their company immensely. I've befriended someone from Croatia, France, and the United Arab Emirates already, since the game is popular around the world. They're very sweet to me, and I honestly enjoy flirting with the receptive ones in the discord channels. Will anything come of it besides friendly joking? Who knows. But at the very least I'm learning about who they are and what kinds of lives they're living at different corners of the earth. And I love having something in common off the bat so that I can make art and photoshop edits that make them scream with joy.
January 26, 2025
Even though life has been difficult as of late, I'm hoping that it's looking up. I need to find a used car, but other errands have taken my time on the weekends and it forces me to put off the search. However, my bills are getting paid on time and I have food to eat, when I'm able to take the bus trip to the supermarket. Last weekend I visited a Mexican supermarket which I had not been to before, not knowing what kinds of food it sold when seeing it on Google maps. But I was not bothered because I knew there would be something to eat, and knew a little bit of Spanish if needed. Most of the food labels were in English anyway, which makes sense for a market in the US because they likely buy wholesale domestically. And when I was there, walking through the very tall, tight aisles of various food products and shopping families, I had a sudden feeling that this was the most un-american I had ever felt in my life, in a good way.
This comes as a culmination of the past few weeks. First I had joined a discord server for a game I started playing which had members from all over the world, and became friends with them, messaging them about their home countries of Croatia, France, the United Arab Emirates, etc. In addition, since Tiktok was banned (temporarily it seems) by the US government, I had heard of people joining Xiaohongshu (Rednote) and having a lot of fun learning about people in China. Although I had never used Tiktok regularly, I was very interested in seeing what the app was like, and I was instantly in love. I made a video introducing myself and saying hello to the Chinese citizens there, and received many responses. Right now I believe my video has over 3000 views, hundreds of likes and almost a hundred comments. This is far more than I've had on any other platform, but it's not like I tried very hard to be "social" on social media beforehand. I may talk about my opinions on Xiaohongshu at another time, but for now I will say that I love it dearly, and hope to be able to stay for a long time.
I met an amazingly interesting, funny, adorable, and flirty friend on discord who lives in a different country, and I have so much fun talking to them that I'm seriously considering if my tax return this year can cover a roundtrip flight for them to visit me here for a week or so just so that I can hold them close like they deserve.
I also really want to fly my sister over to see me of course, so I'll keep her in mind if I am able. Her babies are a complicating factor since she's said she would leave them home, so either their dad or their grandparents would need to look after them for a week.
I'm still nervous for the future, but if I keep calm and focus on one thing at a time, hopefully things will be alright for me and for those around me. May we have support from each other in the coming years.